First quarter ends; time to reassess

I woke up on the morning of Thursday, Oct. 2 and felt strangely miserable.

What's going on, I wondered? Was there something sinister I was supposed to be dreading?

Ah, I said to myself. The economy is near collapse, our leaders engage in a cheap masquerade of self-serving cynicism and the global order continues to be threatened by forces of greed, ignorance and terror.

But no, that wasn't right--I'd already scheduled that dreary thought for Tuesday, Oct. 14.

"Oh, bananas," I said, realizing my mistake. "It's my [extremely foul expletive deleted] birthday."

Yep, I turned 25, an age so previously unfathomable I was shocked to hear that I would not be eligible for Social Security. I mean, what the hell do we even have that thing around for, anyway?

My first move as a 25 year-old was to fall into a defensive crouch and do an action-movie roll from my bed just in case all the younger people wanted to euthanize me, like in "Logan's Run."

Then I got to thinking about all the things I wanted to have accomplished by the time I was 25 and at least a quarter of my life was over (or two-thirds, depending on whether I believe that gypsy). I had so many goals: invent a word, write a book, start my own heavily biased corporate media monolith.

Time flies, though, doesn't it? And right in the middle of thinking up a morning show for my flagship network ("Markley and Friends"? "Markley and Colmes"? "Markley 360"?), I realized I was already 25 and would have to readjust my goals. You young people should probably think about this too. Life isn't all Cubs games, celebrity news, TV and a rapidly dwindling faith in the wisdom and decency of our leaders.

There's also beer to think about.

The following are some of the things I would like to accomplish before I turn (oh dear, sweet God) 30.

» Grow a beard. I have never been able to grow a sufficient beard, yet I feel confident that I will be able to, based on the large amount of neck hair that has crept south over the years and become back hair--or, as I like to call it, "neck" hair.

» Become a leader of "elite" opinion. I often notice that I share many opinions with the editorial pages of the Chicago Tribune and New York Times, yet I have no money or influence. This seems wildly unfair.

» Run for public office. Notice my goal is not to win public office, as even the most rudimentary perusal of my columns for RedEye clearly make me unelectable. I only hope to advance the issues, like, for instance, why we are not instituting policies such as those found in the film "Logan's Run."

» Audition for a role in the next Batman movie. I can be the guy who saw the last Batman movie seven times.

» Invest heavily in sub-prime mortgages. Oh, wait. That was from my "Before I turn 25" list.